Star Wars Thanksgiving
by Baron Hausenpheffer
Summary: And you thought YOUR family gatherings were awkward? Join the Skywalker family and friends for a very special Thanksgiving holiday!


Disclaimer: I don't own "Star Wars". My homeboy, George Lucas, does.

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Leia sighed as she absent-mindedly examined her silverware. After taking a quick glance at the motley crew sitting around the table, she thought, "Honestly... our family get-togethers are always so awkward." 

Present were the usual bunch of misfits: Luke, Yoda, Padme, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpaltine, and (the afore-mentioned) Princess Leia. They stared at each other nervously as C-3PO and R2-D2 strolled inside, carrying platters of food.

"Here you go, everyone!" bubbled the clueless droid. "Oh, how wonderful it is to have everyone home for the holidays!"

"Beep-beep-boop!" added R2. (_Translation: _"_Shut up, you blithering sycophant. My circuits crave Earth-fowl._")

"The food is ready, then?" asked the Emperor. "Good... **_GOOOOOOOD!_**"

"Luke!" Leia hissed. "Why is he here, anyway? I don't care if he **is** Dad's boss; that old freak creeps me out..."

"Shut up, Sis!" her brother replied. "I don't like him either, but he's friggin' rich! If he writes Dad into his will, and Dad writes us into _his_ will, then we'll be set for life!"

"Aaaahhh..." Leia said with a look of comprehension. "Gotcha."

"Taking too long, you are!" Yoda complained. "Live until next Thanksgiving, I might not. Carve the bird, you should."

"Yes, yes, Master Yoda," said Padme, "but first, let's let Mr. Palpaltine say grace. Everyone close your eyes and bow your heads..."

Seeing the old cretin reach for his lightsaber, she quickly corrected herself by saying, "Er... I mean, stare alertly and keep your chins up!"

Emperor Palpaltine's lip quivered for a moment, but he resisted the urge to cry. Instead, he stood up and began to say the blessing. As he did so, the lighting in the room dimmed and his eyes seemed to glow with evil radiance.

"Oh, Dark Side of the Force," cackled the fiend, "we have much to be thankful for this day. Thank you for all of the pain and suffering in the world, and bring on some more whilst you're at it. Let none be spared!"

Now an ominous wind was blowing, causing them all to shiver. Palpaltine raised his withered hands skyward and continued, "Let fire and brimstone rain down and consume those who adhere to good! Spread terror and hate across the galaxy! Invade countries for oil! Give tax breaks to the wealthy! Maul the English language with terms such as 'misunderestimate'! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

Padme pulled out a blaster and shot Palpaltine, earning claps from everyone present. The evil emperor wheezed the word "amen" and plugged the bleeding hole in his chest with a smoked sausage.

R2 said, "Boop!" (_Translation:_ "_I've been cussing all of you out for years without your knowledge. HA!_")

"Now, I shall carve the turkey," declared Darth Vader, levitating the platter toward himself. He took off the lid, drew his lightsaber, and began carving.

Suddenly, he looked pensive (amazing, considering that he wears a mask that completely covers his face). He stopped carving and said, "I don't believe that there will be enough white meat for everyone. Luke, might I presume that you want... the dark side?"

Luke bolted upright and turned over his chair, shouting, "I'll never take the dark side! My father didn't eat it, and neither will I!"

Laughing maniacally, Vader informed him, "Luke, **I** am your father! And you're right: I won't be eating the dark meat; YOU WILL!"

The two began engaging in a bloody battle consisting of lightsaber clashes, witty insults, and telekenetically-thrown objects. Yoda causally began picking dumplings and turkey slices out of the air, munching on them as he watched the melee.

"Yoda, do something!" Padme pleaded, seizing the old amphibian by the shoulders and shaking him.

"Screw off, woman! Pissed, you are making me!" he snapped.

"Geez, who stuck their hand up your anus?" she growled.

Yoda pointed downward at an embarassed Jim Henson.

"Oh, right. Sorry," she muttered. "Still isn't there anything you can do?"

"Wish I could, I do. Very difficult, it is, family squabbles, to solve. Highly--"

A flying grammar book shut the unintelligible old fool up by knocking him out of his chair and into the wall. Leia dusted her hands and sat down. Meanwhile, the battle between father and son was intensifying.

"How can you disrespect your father, your own Sith and kin?" Vader boomed.

"You can't Force me eat something I don't want to, Dad!" Luke angrily retorted.

Padme stared in dismay at the dinner she had slaved over for hours, now blanketing the floor, walls, and ceiling. She began to cry and wailed, "Oh, how could this Thanksgiving possibly get any worse?"

"Hawo! Is Annie and his famiwy at home?" a high-pitched, annoying voice called from the kitchen. A (painfully) familiar creature that looked like the result of genetically crossing a Jamaican and a garden slug ambled into the dining room.

"Meesa didn't know yoosa gonna hava Thanksgiving, Annie and Princess!" Jar-Jar squawked. "I know you musta mean to invite Jar-Jar, so I come. Surpwise!"

"What in God's name is that thing?" Luke demanded. Vader merely cradled his face in his hands and let out a roar of annoyance and frustration.

R2 waddled around and said, "Bleep-bop-boo-boo-boo!" (_Translation: _"_This is what you deserve, Vader! You should have killed that freak before he was phased out in Episode 3. You suck; go kill yourself!_")

"Wassa going on, anyway? You not fighting your son, are you, Annie?" the merchandising tool... er... Jar-Jar asked. "You no should do that. Yoosa should love one another!"

"Yes, listen to this creature! All of this violence is so uncivilized. It's awful, awful!" wailed C-3PO.

"**AHHHH! ALL OF YOU, SHUT THE FORCE UP!**" roared Palpaltine. Without further ado, he shot forth 80 gazillion volts and reduced C-3PO, R2-D2, and Jar-Jar to ash.

For a moment, everyone just stared in shock at the remains of the excessively-hyphenated characters. Then, Darth Vader grinned (again, pretty neat considering the mask) and said, "Now, **that** is something that we can all be thankful for. Hahahahaha!"

Everyone else laughed as well, pointing at the ash piles with expressions of joy. Here ends the tale of how Emperor Palpaltine saved Thanksgiving.

THE END

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I've had this idea floating around in my head for quite a while, and I'm glad that I finally managed to get it on paper/screen. By the way, I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving!

Don't forget to review!


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